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Is it raining a storm down on your marriage and relationship with your significant other? All couples may be struggling with conflict, how they communicate or don't by keeping silent in their own desire to stop the conflict, or desire to talk about sexual intimacy without criticism. Such issues as intimacy, or infidelity, handling finances or parenting a teen or stepchildren. Often there is emotional distancing and how it may benefit you is from Gottman method with therapy. In addition, couples who aren’t experiencing significant difficulties but want to improve their relationships with each other may find the method useful. Taken in a research article here are some tenets for the historical factors to the Gottman method and approaches he used.
"History of the Gottman method" through researching we have learned about John Gottman.
Paraphrasing about John Gottman and his colleague Robert Levenson, PhD, they spent more than 40 years through long-term research with married couples with various issues and conflicts. Their results including suggesting how communication style revealed as the major key factor to whether a couple divorced or stayed together in a long-term relationship of marital commitment.
Historical Factors
John Gottman in 1986 met Julie Schwartz, a clinical psychologist who later became his bride. They married one year later, and together were the originators in 1996 establishing the Gottman Institute. Taking what Gottman and Levenson’s research revealed, the Gottman's' developed strategies in practical ways in order to help improve relationships in meaningful ways and called their method to what may be a method to the madness, entitled the Four Horsemen.
Understanding the four horsemen method and approaches
The Gottman method recognizes how four relationship-are damaging styles of communication when used between couples.
These styles are named as “the four horsemen” because they identify and predict trouble within a relationship.
Broken down into steps and stages identify the following--
Criticism: Putting down your partner’s personality or character such as, and I quote, “You’re so inconsiderate! and, or always putting me down!) rather than their behavior by defining what it is in the behavior such as, (“I’d like you to put down your cell phone or stop texting when I’m trying to talk to you”)
Contempt: Treating your partner disrespectfully or unkindly name calling or as an example, deliberately ignoring them, walking away, snarling at them by using sarcasm, turning away when they are talking, or rolling your eyes, or scoffing or making fun of the other partner
Defensiveness: Blaming your partner or making excuses, usually in response to criticism that feels unfair
Stonewalling: Avoiding communication and refusing to engage
The Gottman method helps couples identify these issues and develop healthier communication techniques and reactions.
The sound relationship house
John Gottman outlined the concept of “the sound relationship house” in his 1999 book with Nan Silver, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” The basic idea is that a secure partnership is like a house: Both need sturdy foundations to hold them up. In a relationship, a couple’s mutual trust and commitment to one another act as “weight-bearing walls.”3
The “house” of a sound relationship is described as having seven “floors.” Each floor builds on the others and helps couples grow their connection while improving their communication:
Build “love maps”: Create a guide to one another’s worlds. Ask questions to learn each other’s likes, dislikes, history, goals, dreams, and worries.
Share fondness and admiration: Share things about each other that you like and appreciate.
Turn toward, instead of away: Learn to recognize and respond to each other’s “bids.” A “bid” is something you say or do to get a response when you need comfort, attention, or support. When partners repeatedly ignore or turn away from each other’s bids, it can harm their relationship.
The positive perspective: Assume the best of your partner, rather than rushing to criticize or be offended. For example, if your partner forgets to pick up milk on the way home from work, assume it happened because they were preoccupied, not because they were trying to be inconsiderate.
Manage conflict: Learn to handle conflict while valuing each other’s feelings and thoughts. Discuss any conflict, whether it’s solvable or not. Learn how to self-soothe during disagreements so your emotions don’t overwhelm you.
Make life dreams come true: Encourage each other and help one another reach goals.
Create shared meaning: Develop shared rituals (such as a favorite neighborhood walk, or a daily habit of greeting each other affectionately) and symbols that have meaning for you as a couple.
What to expect
The Gottman method uses personal assessments and activities to help couples improve their relationships.
Assessment: In the first session, a Gottman method therapist will talk to a couple and ask them to share their history and goals for their relationship. They may also be asked to complete a questionnaire. The therapist then meets with each partner individually. After these initial sessions, the therapist provides feedback to the couple about their relationship.
Sessions: The couple and therapist decide on how long and how frequent sessions will be. Many couples opt for 90-minute weekly sessions, but some choose to pursue “marathon” sessions offered by the Gottman Institute in which they meet for six-hour sessions for several consecutive days.4
Interventions: Couples will learn techniques that help them address the issues they face in a constructive, connected way. Sessions may include education and activities designed to improve communication skills.
Is the Gottman method right for you?
When considering the Gottman method, couples should consider their overall commitment to working on the relationship. Because therapists often expect intense engagement, with both partners working on activities outside of sessions, it’s best suited for couples who are prepared to commit a significant amount of time and make immediate changes.
Because couples counseling isn’t recommended for anyone in an abusive relationship, the Gottman method also isn’t recommended for couples experiencing domestic violence.5 If you’re experiencing abuse, you can get free, confidential help 24/7 by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
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